I grew up with two loving parents, but it was a painful kindness as I was never able to give back to them having failed dozens of job interviews. I did not have any friends nor connections to recommend me jobs, and my parents were insistent that I pursue unrealistic careers like being a doctor or a lawyer; of course with no such qualifications.

I could not identify with either two of my ethnic communities as a mixed blood that knew neither language, nor could I communicate with the local Chinese. These all enforced the negative ideas that I was basically retarded and was worthless as a person, leading me to giving up and isolating myself from the world for many years to a very unhealthy degree.

The Internet had always been my refuge that let me fend off the insidious feeling of despair. I adopted an online persona as a means for me to forget about my real self as a coping mechanism. I met friends online through gaming that I could relate and share my interests with. As I have never really felt this level of connection throughout my real life, I even ended up bonding with my online peers more than anyone else I know in reality.

Through double listening we enter more quickly into the realm of what is precious as we engage in unpacking problems

Freedman, 2012

In practicing double-listening to the aforementioned issues that I’ve faced, I realized that these were problems that branched from my lack of sense of belonging that made me feel alienated from everyone else in society. With no luck in finding a job and a resume devoid of skills, confidence was also something I lacked. What I needed most of all, was the capacity to hope.

There was a recent change in my life that finally brought a sliver of hope to my future. Perhaps this is neither an impressive nor inspirational story so far, but it is the prelude to the start of a new chapter in my life.

The re-membering

In 2020, I could have continued my studies to pursue a Bachelor’s degree, but I decided to take a gap year; permitted by my parents only due to the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. In hindsight, that became one of the biggest turning points in my life. With no more responsibilities from schooling to burden me, I could finally have all the time to find a breakthrough in the darkness that afflicted me.

“Depression doesn’t take away your talents—it just makes them harder to find.

Lady Gaga

Having built my online persona upon a mountain of lies for years, it was difficult to truly express the struggles of my real self. The purpose of pretending to be someone else in the virtual was to forget about my pains in real life after all. But I had to face reality as an adult, and when I finally cracked and disclosed my struggles in finding work, my online friends were there to help.

Ultimately, my online friends ended up being the biggest part in my club of life. At some point, I tried my hand at creating art roughly two years ago, as it was the only thing I could think of that could earn me money online back then. Fast forward to now, and the consistent support of my online peers had secured me an actual freelancing job that I could work at home with.

How work has finally changed my life for the better

I had been introduced to the new world of the gig economy. I learned that I had a purpose in life, that I could finally support my family. The depression that had always haunted me even felt like a thing of a past. I became a changed person, the one thing I’ve had always fantasized becoming; finally having some control and power to change my life.

There is a future, afterall.

There are those who say that money doesn’t mean happiness. To me, having earned money for the first time in my life with my own hands after all my struggles, it made me feel like I have a place in this world and I can finally feel like I can be a part of it. Those feelings ignited the will to live in me, and I do not want to return to the empty shell that I once was. The world looks better with color, after all.

Just as Michael White had once stated, the very act of expressing one’s struggles in life is indicative that one is already taking an action about the problem. Dark and heavy emotions muddle up and obscure what the real problems are, and being able to type it all out has had been a cathartic experience so far.

Sorting out the complexities of the human emotion and tidily re-evaluating your struggles makes the problems stick out more plainly, and helps clarify what paths ahead that I should take. I still have the chance, being relatively young after all.

Nowadays, if one were to suddenly ask what I thought of myself in general, nothing but negative thoughts would pop up right off the bat. This is still the case for me, but at the very least, I can now answer if someone were to ask what my good qualities were. Ironically, I put my effort in the things that I do nowadays just so that I can be easier on myself.

References

Freedman, J. (2012). Explorations of the absent but implicit by Jill Freedman. Explorations of the absent but implicit. Retrieved January 28, 2022, from https://www.dulwichcentre.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Explorations-of-the-absent-but-implicit-by-Jill-Freedman.pdf

S;, C. M. W. S. R. (2009). The absent but implicit: A map to support therapeutic enquiry. Family process. Retrieved January 28, 2022, from https://moodle.uowplatform.edu.au/pluginfile.php/3325181/mod_resource/content/1/reading%20week%204%20Absent_But_Implicit.pdf